


to the deepest shades, with your heart open wide

by Tedronai



Series: did we make it through the night [2]
Category: The Malazan Book of the Fallen - Steven Erikson
Genre: Book: Reaper's Gale, M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Sort of anyway, also sort of, background Trull/Seren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 15:39:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16579355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tedronai/pseuds/Tedronai
Summary: “There is someone. A woman. I gave her my sword. At the threshold of her house. She accepted it.”In the Shadow realm, Trull finally finds the courage to talk about the kiss. And something else.





	to the deepest shades, with your heart open wide

There was no sun in the Shadow Realm. Ahlrada Ahn stood on the shore, staring out over the vast lake, and contemplated the lack. As Tiste Andii, he’d never thought he’d miss it, but now he found that he did. Living in a world with a sun for generations made a people used to certain things, he supposed. Day and night; light and dark.

The sound of light footsteps behind him caught his attention, and he knew without turning who it was that now stood by his left shoulder.  _ Trull Sengar, do you feel at home in this fragment of Kurald Emurlahn? _ But no, he knew the answer to that question. The Elder warren of Shadow had been sundered long ago, the fragments abused by whomever had happened to gain access to them.

Could a sundered realm ever heal? Could the Edur ever go home? These were questions, Ahlrada suspected, that not even gods could answer.

Certainly not the gods residing in this particular fragment.

Then his track of thought was interrupted as Trull finally broke the silence. “What happened between us…”

Ahlrada glanced at him, then looked away again to hide a wry smile. This conversation had been days in coming, though he wasn’t sure there was much to talk about.  _ What happened between us? Not much. One kiss, a rather innocent one at that, and then that damnable T’lan Imass popped out of the woods to announce that it was time to leave Drift Avalii… _

But clearly this was important to Trull, so he kept such thoughts to himself. “Do you regret it?” he asked instead when it seemed that Trull didn’t know how to proceed.

A startled intake of breath. Then, “No, of course not.” Pause. “And yet… maybe I should.”

Ahlrada frowned. “What do you mean?”

Even then it was a while before Trull could find the words to articulate his thoughts. “I should not have let it happen,” he said. “It was… selfish of me.”

Ahlrada couldn’t help an incredulous laugh as he finally turned to face Trull. “Selfish?” he repeated. “Sisters take me, Trull, how ever would you think that?”

It was clear that whatever the issue was, talking about it was not easy. Ahlrada waited patiently for the other man to continue, though the sadness in the warrior’s eyes made his heart ache. He was beginning to realise that this was no simple matter and that the question of attraction, which he hoped was mutual, might turn out the least relevant of all  considerations.

“There is someone,” Trull began after the silence had gone on for so long that Ahlrada had begun to wonder whether he would speak after all. “A woman. I gave her my sword. At the threshold of her house.” Again it took a moment before he was able to continue, in a voice that was barely a whisper, “She accepted it.”

_ Oh. _ Ahlrada was confused. Surely he should have known if Trull Sengar had been engaged? The Edur were very formal about such things, a betrothal involved a lot of ceremony, the whole village would have known… But Trull would not lie about such a thing. “Who was she?”

There was a flicker of hesitation in the other man’s eyes. “Seren Pedac.”

“The Acquitor?” Ahlrada asked, scarce able to believe he’d heard right. “A Letherii?”

A faint, wistful smile briefly illuminated Trull’s face. “The very same.”

_ How did that even happen? You can’t have known her for more than a bare handful of days… _ Yet, in that brief smile Ahlrada could see the truth of it. Trull had given his heart to this woman, this Letherii. And she had accepted the sword. Did she even know what the gesture signified? Ahlrada was afraid to ask. “I see.”

Trull frowned slightly. “Ah, my friend, I see I’ve wounded you. And there you see the truth of it: I was selfish to… to kiss you, to make you think… when my heart belongs to another. And for that, I truly am sorry.”

But Ahlrada shook his head slowly. “You misunderstand me,” he said. “Even if I might wish for something else, it is your friendship that I value above anything.” Unlike Trull, Ahlrada was good at dissembling; the words came out smooth and confident, as though speaking them cost him nothing.  _ So easily do I step aside, for a woman you don’t even know, for a woman you’re never going to see again. _ “My grief is for you, my friend, because it is unlikely you will ever see her again.”

The anguish in Trull’s eyes made him wish he’d never spoken those last words. But then Trull smiled again. “I do not know that I deserve a friend like you,” he said finally.

_ Oh, Trull. You deserve everything. _ But Ahlrada could see Trull was not ready to hear that, and so he kept his thoughts to himself. “I do not think,” he said instead, “that it is selfish to look for comfort where we can find it.”

“Comfort,” Trull repeated, as though tasting the word. “Did you know,” he went on, in a musing voice, “that I’d never kissed anyone before?”

The shock on Ahlrada’s face must have been comical. But then, he shouldn’t have been surprised because again, the Edur took such things seriously. There were few if any casual dalliances between Tiste Edur, and even courting didn’t usually get physically intimate until well into the relationship. He’d just never thought that he’d be the one to give Trull Sengar his first kiss.

“...Truly, there is no need to look quite so scandalised,” Trull said after a while, a wry note of humour in his voice.

“Forgive me,” Ahlrada began, but Trull cut him off. 

“There’s naught to forgive,” he said. He looked as if he wanted to continue, but again it took a long time for him to find the words. “Did you mean what you said? About… about comfort?”

“Yes,” Ahlrada replied simply, hardly daring to hope that this might be going where it seemed.

“Even knowing what you know?” Trull pressed on. He sounded truly torn, between guilt and a desire for…  _ comfort _ . “Would it not hurt to know that there is another who holds my heart? Would it be worth it? What I can give you… How could it be enough?”

_ Because I’ll take what I can get, damn it. _ Ahlrada smiled, a little sadly. “Whatever you can give me is enough,” he said. Trull didn’t look entirely convinced, but clearly he didn’t want to argue, he wanted to take Ahlrada’s words at face value. Ahlrada smiled again, a real smile this time, and stepped closer. Raised a hand to cup the other man’s face. “May I kiss you again?”

He was glad to see no hesitation in Trull’s eyes as he nodded. “I think I would like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what to say here I just wanna thank cadmean for being the number one enabler to my Tiste shipping bullshit. <3


End file.
